This weekend I found myself standing in an epicenter of people, marveling at the magic and absolute beauty of the moment. Standing there, I could feel the silent shaking of my sister Katy linked arm and arm with me, the quiet breathing of my father secured to my other side, the warmth of the sun’s glow lighting up my face, and the love pouring out of the people pressing in from every side in their effort to transfer even an ounce of love and healing to my family. Nearby my mom and Dana stood in the middle of their own circle of love, connected to our threesome in spirit and through the chain of people linking hands between our groups.
My parents had just finished telling their stories of faith in the midst of terminal sickness to the congregation my dad had pastored for nearly 25 years. In response, the congregation asked to pray for us and we found ourselves standing in the middle of hundreds of people prayerfully petitioning God to support, to heal, to encourage, and to love our family. The authenticity of their prayers, requests, and silent pleas was undeniable and for me it was as if time suddenly stood still.
Even now I can vividly recall the feel of the carpet under my feet, the tickle of my hair on my cheek as I bowed my head to pray, the tiny width of my sister’s waist as I supported her in this emotional moment, the feel of the fabric of my dad’s suit under my hand, the warmth of strangers’ hands on my back, the energy pulsating through my body, the path of the single tear that slid down my left cheek, and the undeniable peace that descended over the room in that moment. While I was aware of the minister’s prayer and can recall the tone and volume of her voice, I can’t recall the exact words she spoke. Her content was simply overwhelmed by my certainty that God was there, present in the arms surrounding me, in the outpouring of love flowing from those around me, and in the spoken and silent pleas raised on our behalf. In my lifetime, I have heard the verse quoted, “Where two or three are gathered, there I will be also,” many times. Yet only twice in my life have I ever actually known without a doubt God was present when I gathered with others to pray, this was one of those times.
As is often the case when I sit to write, I find that the exact words I need fail me or are simply inadequate as I try to describe something other-worldly with ordinary words. How can I adequately describe something I know few people will experience in their lifetimes? How do I put into words what it feels like to receive authentic, unguarded love from hundreds of people at the same moment? To have each one of them petition God on my family’s behalf, putting aside their own requests, prayers, wishes, and desires to instead ask something for me? It is a tremendous gift to have one person put into words what you’re afraid to utter yourself, and to have hundreds do so simultaneously is awe-inspiring. It is humbling. It is overwhelming. And it is beautiful.
Living up to my promise to live transparently, vulnerably, and honestly has brought many moments of intense pain this past year. It is not easy to face everything ugly and lacking in myself. It is challenging to look the reality of my personal situation in the eye and not feel fear and sadness. Yet it has also brought moments of intense blessing and peace I’m certain I would have missed had I not opened myself to receive the truth. Moments when people tear up telling me how much they are touched by what I write, moments of unexpected friendship that come as a result of baring my full soul and all my flaws to people, moments of deep connection only made through the commonality of human suffering, and moments where God shows up to stop time and to reassure me He is here.
I don’t know if that three-minute prayer for my dad’s healing will be answered favorably by God, but I know my life has been changed. I walked away from that experience profoundly moved, deeply connected to every person present, humbled to receive so much love and encouragement, and awed by God’s divine nature. There is little I can do to repay those who have given so much to me and my family during this season of our lives, but I have sent many whispered prayers of thanksgiving asking God to bless each person in return for all they have selflessly given. It is my profound hope that everyone at some moment in their lives will also find themselves at an epicenter of love like the one I stood in; that they will know without a doubt they matter, flaws and all; that they will experience the blessings that follow vulnerability, and that they too will receive the gift of God’s peace and tangible presence. And if you are one who has poured love, encouragement, kindness, and grace on me in any way, know that I love and appreciate you deeply in return. It is truly because of you and the grace of God that in the midst of sadness I feel overwhelming peace. It is a gift I cannot repay, and for that I am deeply humbled.
-Sara
I don’t know, Room, but when I am covered in goosebumps the whole time I read your blogs, I can’t help but feel that your words are…adequate:) Sending love to you,
R
Sara my dear, thank you for your words today and Praise God! Experiencing HIM through his Spirit and His People is utterly amazing and I am so glad you got to be in the midst of it all! I love the way you can pour of your head and heart with us so we can be participating bystanders….in your journey and connected through prayer, love and spirit. I anticipate and eagerly await when I get to give you a hug and catch up. Love, Jamie 🙂
You are so loved and cherished by all who know you, Sara! Miss you.
When I read your blogs, your words are perfectly written to pull me in, they capture your emotions, they sent goosebumps down my arms, they warm my heart and put a smile on my face. I also eagerly wait to read that a new post was written. For as you travel this journey, I feel that I am right beside you every step of the way, laughing, crying, happy, yearning and praying for God’s will to be done with you and your family. Thank you for posting all that you have, it is helping me grow closer to God in ways I wouldn’t have expected. Enjoy the glow of knowing you are loved by many, because you are. xo
Your last line also hit a cord deep inside of me. My in laws have been a huge blessing to me in my life. A story for another time…..but you wrote that you’ve received a gift you can never repay. My in laws said to me once – you can not repay it, just pass it on. So that is what I intend to do with the gifts they have bestowed unto me……pass them on to others. 🙂
There is such power in the written word – yours touched me deeply. Though I do not know you well, I am encouraged by your faith. I am grateful that you have had a “mountain top” experience. There are blessings in the midst of this journey you are on with your dad. Our loving Lord IS there. Thank you for being open and willing to share – it is such a gift to all your readers – to those who are praying for your dad’s healing. Love to all your family.
Sara, you are beautiful… and an exquisite writer!!